Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Rant, in the key of P major

Why is it that the one thing you want is always the one thing you cannot have....

My husband and I cannot have children. Aside from some rather serious medical issues, and a couple serious fertility issues (All my fault, of course)... there is also the "if you get pregnant while on this drug your baby will have three legs" issue... and the "I'm literally allergic to my husband's sperm" issue. Sometimes it feels like God is screaming "Don't you even dare try!" at us.

Ironically, when we met, neither of us wanted a family. Then we got married. Marriage changes a lot of things. Major medical crises do the same. And so the year we decided we were going to try to create a human life was the year my health went down the tubes. I've never told anyone this... but I've had two miscarriages. I didn't even tell my husband because I'm not sure he could handle it... and I'm not sure I'll ever tell him. (And if you do I will hunt you down & hurt you... or use vicious rhetoric.)

The irony continues to set in as the same week we were basically told to stop trying, and I was put on some serious birth control, was the same week that not one, but TWO of my friends announced their pregnancies. Might as well have slapped me in the face. Woulda hurt less. I know it wasn't their faults, and in the end I am very happy for both of them!

Continuing with the irony is my husband & I run our own photography business- my favorite things to photograph, aside from weddings & seniors? You guessed it... BABIES. I love them, they're so precious & every photo you take of them is adored & forever a work of art.

I seem to have more than my fair share of pregnant friends at this moment. It is a delicate balance of being happy for them, and being sad for our little empty nest. We've taken some steps in possibly pursuing adoption. Both my husband & I are very amenable to the idea, and our families would definitely support us. We're just not quite in the point in our lives where we can seriously pursue it, and that hurts too. The waiting... the wanting... I know I'm not the only one.

So I'm sharing... because I need to, and because I know I'm not the only one.

EDIT- After posting about this, I've decided to talk to my husband about what has happened. I wouldn't want him to learn from someone else, and I really shouldn't keep something like this from him. I suppose he will share in my pain, but since he's so supportive I know we'll make it through this, just like everything else.

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