Thursday, September 8, 2011

Vulvadynia SUCKS.

I hate having vulvadynia. I hate it more than IC times like a billion.

I can handle IC. Peeing every 20 minutes. Feeling like you're peeing glass shards. Spending every spare moment hugging a heating pad. Being in a bitchy mood EVERY single second of the day because your life sucks. Yeah, I can actually handle that. I've done that.

I cannot handle having vulvadynia. WHY? Because it has no objective besides HURTING you. At least with IC if you eat the wrong things or get stressed out, you know why the IC symptoms flare up. The VVS can be completely symptom-less for MONTHS, and then suddenly you feel like you have a bonfire in your crotch.

This happened to me last week. I think a small part of it was I had been trying to lower my pain medication a small amount, but the biggest slap in the face was that I thought I was healing, and not only am I not healing in any way- I think things might actually be worse.

It's like the PT & the pain meds are just a band-aid. I'm stuck like this forever, and the best I can hope for is little pain, or decent pain management. Forgive me for not finding that enough!

My husband gets very romantic around weddings. I don't blame him- they are very sweet, and they make me cry! It can be difficult being a photographer at a wedding, and trying to hide the fact you are crying, not to mention making sure you're getting good stuff through the tears!

So it wasn't any surprise that after our latest wedding rehearsal, he wanted to cuddle in bed. And by cuddle, you know what I mean. I hadn't been feeling my best- my bladder was being temperamental, but I love him, and I don't like turning him down. I just reminded him that since I had been feeling not-so-great the trigger point therapy was especially important to do.

It hurt like it was the first time. Like we'd never done this before. Hurt, hurt, HURT! We're talking shooting pains, like fire. And I'm just talking about the trigger points. We hadn't even got to the sex part.

Part of me wanted desperately to say no, but part of me ADORES my husband, and understands his need. This connection he wanted with me. So I took it like only a woman can. No man would go through sex if it were this painful. They just wouldn't. But for love, I did.

And that is why I hate vulvadynia so much. Because it makes it hard for me to love my husband. It makes me want to resent him. It makes me want to resent sex. It makes me want to curl up in a ball, with an ice pack (of course) and just cry.

1 comment:

  1. You just brought tears to my eyes because you made me feel your pain. How wonderful of you, albeit excruciatingly painful, to have gone through with it just for love. You are made of strong stuff!

    I am not to this point, and without making you feel bad, I pray I never do. I agree with your description of the IC -- so you pee every 20 minutes and it feels like shards of glass. THAT is enough for me.

    You are so brave to share your story. I will follow you and your journey to health!!!!


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